Jungle Hime
by Lilium Dragon Fang
Summary: 3 men find themselves in a very, very, VERY awkward situation. uber-crack fic. sorta anti-tate, reito and takeda in a funny kind of way. humorous character death. just read.


C-r-a-c-k fic… I am high from energy drinks right now so deal with it~ hahaha!

AU-ish. This fic is rated PG I think. Male-bashing maybe? Hehe gomen.

Dedicated to Trixie! Happy Birthday to you and your royal corniness.

'X' – thoughts

"X" – speech

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JUNGLE HIME

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"Bring them in!"

Nao and Chie, dressed in plain tunics with Flintstone-era weapons holstered to their waists, dragged three unlucky prisoners. Three men tied at the wrists were presented to the Lupine Goddess, Kuga.

The prisoners looked up at the woman on the throne only for their heads to be smacked down and knees swatted from behind by a quarterstaff held by Midori, forcing them to kneel with their eyes facing the ground.

"Bow down!"

"Ara. That is enough, Midori-san." A sexy (drool-worthy?) Shizuru sauntered over to the throne and sat on the lap of the Kuga-Meister, "What do we have here, Nat-chan?"

Natsuki eyed the criminals and calmly demanded an explanation from the short haired guard, "Report, Chie."

"Well Kuga, these three savages were sneaking into the Himean territories. Luckily, Okuzaki-san spotted them and sounded the alarm. They were captured by Mai-san and her Neko-uhm, Mikoto-chan."

"I see." She turned to the redhead spider, "Nao?"

"My sources say this ugly one is Yuuichi Tate, a Mai-pervert, the one with the sickly smile over there is Kanzaki Reito, another Mai-pervert, and the other hideous one is Masashi Takeda," she pauses to snicker, "A Natsuki-pervert."

"WHAT! Kill them! Kill them all! Now!"

"Matte, Nat-chan. I think I have a better idea." The red-eyed temptress spoke and moved closer to her lover's ear, whispering a devious plan.

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The lone wolf addressed the audience, "Alright, listen up, dimwits! As punishment for trespassing into our land, you will go out into the jungle to find a fruit and bring it back here to me. Akane, escort ero-Yuuichi, Fumi, take Reito-baka and Yukariko, shepherd that other dummy mcdumbdumb over there."

"Oi! Kuga! That's it? We have tons of fruits in storage. What kind of gawd damn punishment is that?" Nao hissed in disapproval.

"Yuuki-san, it is best you trust my Natsuki on this. It is my idea after all." Shizuru's irises glinted with sinister evil, sending chills to all the Himes present, but oblivious to the three captives who had their heads bowed. "You may start now."

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Tate headed west of the Himean gates, picked a fruit and was guided back to the Hime shrine.

"What have you brought me, ero-Yuuichi?" Natsuki inquired.

With a banana nestled between his hands, Tate lifted his arms, "This is all I could find."

Shizuru failed to stifle a giggle and Natsuki turned red from what she was about to announce, "Yukino, call the executioner!"

The bob-haired brunette left and returned with the maki-maki executioner.

"Listen, Himes, finding a fruit was just phase one of the prisoners' penalties. Phase two is- that- er. Shizuru?"

"Yes, my Natsuki?"

"I can't say it."

Chie elbowed Nao and mouthed, "Pussy." Nao just sniggered.

"Allow me, Nat-chan. Midori-san, bend him over and subdue him." The drunkard immediately followed and pushed Tate to the ground, his butt up in the air.

"What are you-!"

"Shut up, temee!" Maki-maki Shiho sucker-punched him in the mouth.

The protests were ignored as Shizuru ordered the executioner to pull his pants down while Midori restrained him.

"Good luck, Yuuichi-san." Shizuru whispered, "Alyssa, bring me ten bananas, please. As you can see, my fellow Himes, I think you all get it by now. Whichever fruit will be brought by the prisoners, we will have to 'feed' it to them, transrectally."

Nao doubled over clutching her stomach from laughing, taking Chie with her. "Natsuki! You're girlfriend is twisted! Haha! And frickin hilarious!"

"Yuuichi-san, we Himes will free you, even go as far as to allow you to take Mai-san with you if, and only if, you do not utter a single sound as we carry out your castigation. If we hear one peep from you, Miyu will gladly end your suffering. Do you understand?"

"Yes." Tate squeaked at the tawny haired woman and shut his eyes tight, preparing for the onslaught his ass would be going through.

The Himes were silenced when the first banana went in and Tate's eyes were almost bulged out from the pressure. He was holding his breath in, trying to stop himself from squealing like a pig. When Shiho prepared the next fruit, Tate screamed like a lost lil girl begging for her mommy, "STOP! I can't take it!"

Kuga gave a go signal to Miyu and for the ass-abuse to stop and Mr. Sideburns was dragged off to a corner and was killed in seconds.

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Reito returned from the Northern regions with Fumi, a bunch of grapes dangling from his hands. The first thing he saw was a dead Tate, with his pants pulled down. "What happened to him?"

Shizuru covered her mouth and chuckled, "He didn't satisfy us with what he brought." And she continued to explain the dynamics of the punishment.

Reito internally smiled as he showed the fruit in his hands, 'Ten of these grapes? I can do this. Thank god I didn't pick those apples,' he thought. "I accept." He bent down and personally undid his pants.

'Ara. So brave and so eager to get this over with.'

"This is disappointing, Kuga. Those grapes are easy!" Shiho objected.

"Shizuru, he might actually get away with this."

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By the time the 9th grape was in Reito's bum, the Himes were all so very upset and not entertained. The captive did not make one sound all that time he was tortured. He was confident he would succeed.

Shiho announced that the last grape was about to go when Reito's composure broke down and he let out a deafening guffaw and he was nearly choking with laughter.

"Chie! What's wrong with this twit? He's down to the last grape."

Reito struggled to point in the direction he was looking.

The Himes went all ROFLMAO as well when they saw what broke his concentration. Miyu, not really getting the whole laughing ordeal, shot Reito, knowing that he failed the challenge.

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AFTERLIFE…

Tate welcomed Reito in the afterlife, cursing about his 'pseudo'-escape.

"What the hell, Reito? You were almost finished! One more of that nasty lil fruit and you would have been outta there! What is wrong with you?"

The black-haired man, still laughing, tried to answer but all that came out was a very un-Reito like snort. "I- I saw… T-takeda!"

"So?"

"He was carrying a pineapple! Hahahaha!"

O.o

-Fin-

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ROFLMAO – internet lingo, you probably all know what that is. For those who don't, it is "Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off." Did I get it right? X3

Please please please R&R.

Draconis!


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